Too Smart For Words

A new shop opened up in a local mall.  As soon as the sign went up, the authorities were called and the police raided the shop.

Years ago, Mojo worked on a project selling motor lube oil in Saudi Arabia.  His research brought him to the buncture shops, as the small car repair garages are called.

He couldn’t figure out what buncture meant and finally asked one of the managers.

The man looked at him like he was so naïve.  “When you get a nail in your tire, you get buncture.  You take it to the buncture shop for fixing.”

Oh – the Puncture Shop.  There is no P in Arabic so P comes out B.

The shop’s owner explained the sign was not what she ordered.

The male sign maker was certain he was smarter than the female shop owner.  He knew when she ordered “Born Fashion” it should really be spelled “Porn Fashion” in English.

I Know What You Like

Leaving Geant with my cartload of groceries I noticed this couple.

His shirt said “I Like Girls Who Like Girls” – on both sides.

But I didn’t say “Ugh” because her shirt said “I Like Boys Who Buy Me Jewelry.”

Match made in heaven.

Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

The Evidence

Ace and Mark bake the BEST Neiman Marcus chocolate chip cookies.  They are so delicious an afternoon batch of two dozen is usually finished by 7pm.  When Mojo gets home all he finds is an empty cookie jar.

Sunday night as I was walking out the door to yoga class, the boys were baking again.

“Please save some cookies for Dad,” I told them.  “He feels bad when he gets home and there is nothing left for him.”

“We promise,” they chorused.  “We will leave him FOUR cookies.”

Hungry after my yoga class, I wandered into the kitchen around 9:15 and found a plate with a few crumbs.  I was surprised Mojo would leave even a single chocolate chip crumb.  I thought it would be a funny photo so I took a picture then ate the remains.

When I went upstairs to say hello, I gave Mojo a kiss.

“You smell like chocolate chip cookies,” he said accusingly.

“Yes, I ate your crumbs.  That was all you left me.  Did you enjoy your cookies?” I said sarcastically.

“Cookies?  Where?”  Before I could say anything he was running down the stairs.  I followed.

“Where are the cookies?” he asked me as he searched the cabinets.

I showed him the yellow plate and said “You ate your cookies.  The evidence was sitting right here when I came home.”

He glared at me.

“I cannot believe you ate my cookies!”

“I didn’t.  I came home and found the plate.  See I even took a photo.”  I showed him the picture on my phone.

“The evidence!  You ate my cookies and then you took a picture of the crumbs.  How could you?”

Hearing the boys above us, playing in their dark room, I said “Go ask the boys.”

He went upstairs.  Within a minute both boys ran into the kitchen.  Giggling they looked at the plate then started pointing their fingers at me.

“You ate Dad’s cookies!  We left them here for him.  Why did you eat his cookies?”

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

Mojo comes into the room smiling.  “See I knew you ate my cookies.  How can you do that to your husband?”

Looking at the three of them, I knew I would not win.  I gave up.

The next afternoon, the boys said, “Mom since YOU ate all the cookies yesterday, can we make some more for Dad?”

“Sure.  Just save one for me please.”

“No way. You ate all of them yesterday.  These are for Dad,” they snickered.

Against three lawyers bonded by sugar and chocolate chips, how can justice prevail?

The Sweeter the Juice

Thursdays I read with Mark’s classmates at school.  As I waited, I perused the healthy eating posters someone created.  Pineapple was this week’s chosen fruit.

Pineapple is full of vitamin C, vitamin B and magnesium for helping our immune system.  Bromelain aids digestion.  And the poster said pineapple sweetens and improves the taste of seminal and vaginal fluids.

WHAT?!?

I called Mark’s teacher over and asked her whether or not she knew this much about pineapples.

“OH my GOD!” was her response.

She poked her head into Ace’s teacher’s room and called him out.  We watched him mouth the words and his eyes widen.

“Someone must have copied and pasted without reading this,” he said.

They scooped up the poster to put in its proper place – in the teacher’s lounge.

I wondered how an adult making a poster for children could have made such a mistake and Googled pineapple.  Generally none of the sites touted those benefits.  Only when I added vaginal fluid to pineapple did I find articles extolling that particular virtue.

Perhaps the mysterious poster creator did not understand English.

Or perhaps some 10-year old student knew exactly what he/she was doing and wanted to see whether the teachers were paying attention.

Sleeping on the Job

It is the customary in the Middle East to build high concrete walls around a house.  The walls help keep the desert outside and give women privacy to walk around their homes without having to be covered.  Even though guards are employed to open and shut the gate, I think, generally, security is not an issue.

Which is good – since some of the guards are sleeping.

Looking for an Educated,Well Groomed Wife for My Future

Bahrain loves February – the month of Romance.

Middle Eastern dating can be a little difficult.  But reading these Bride Seeking ads on expatriate.com, these men won’t have to worry about paying for expensive dinners and roses on Valentine’s Day.

I need an Educated and well groomed wife for my future – Saudi Arabia

Description: Further discussion will be made upon the seriousness of the interested person. So reply if anyone is serious.  In short i am a Banker and M.Sc. Degree Holder.

Between the Lines:  “I” was the not the smartest guy in class.  I got a job as a banker and am now out of work.  I just watched “The Secret” and decided to think positively.

I AM SEEKING GOOD BRIDE LOVING – Saudi Arabia

Description: Asalaam-o-alikum , i am saad age 25 from pakistan karachi currently i am living in saudi Arabia jeddah looking for good girl loving between age (16-22) fair color , educated , and my education Inter commerce.  My parents living in karachi so u more details please contact my father..

Between the Lines:  I am looking for a naïve young woman who barely speaks English – for my father. 

Looking for a simple homely woman for marriage, Saudi Arabia

Description: I am Muslim man from India in late forties and well settled in Gulf and would like to marry a woman who is simple,homely and religious.  No dowry expected simple marriage please write for further details.

Between The Lines:  My wife lives in India raising my five kids.  I cannot get a visa for a housemaid.  I need someone to come to Saudi Arabia to cook, clean and “care” for me and not complain about it. 

SEEKING FOR GOOD BRIDE FROM ANY NATIONALITY – Bahrain

Description: I am 34 years old Muslim Sunni working here in Bahrain, I got my engineering education in radar and communication from England at British Naval Base port smouth London. Now i m working here in Bahrain Navy as a radar and communication engineer. I don’t have parents thats why i put my add by myself. We are 02 brothers and two sisters all married except me.I am tall and handsome with 5 10″ height and everage build.
Only serious and good people try to contact, or send me e -mail.

I need only a simple and honest lady who give me peace of mind and happy family.Any one interested than i will send my pictures and contact no to them.

thankx.
Rergards

Between the Lines: The Bahrainis know my family and no one will let their daughter marry me.  I need a foreigner who knows just enough English to read this email and who does not want to go back to her own country – for whatever reason.

After the above ads I actually appreciate the following men’s honesty.

Looking for Lady Girlfriend, Bahrain

Description: I am looking for a trusted and smart lady to be a companion and girlfriend in Bahrain. You should be single/divorced and flexible in your approach and willing to spend time with an executive and be a companion.

If you are looking for an opportunity of this type and you are flexible with your approach to life, please send me all your details along with your profile and I will get in touch with you. Discretion is definitely assured. I can also help you with your financial problems.

I will not be able to respond to one line emails. If you are serious and interested, I request you to send me all your details and I will get it touch with you immediately.

Between the Lines:  I will pay your expenses and rent an apartment for you/us.  You will not work so I can drop in and see you whenever I can sneak away.  You have to be smart enough to understand this is a good deal and know not to call me 50 times a day or harass my family on the weekends. 

need a friend i am bored – Jubail, Saudi Arabia

Description: need a friend i am bored to lived alone i need any girlfriend deepness of relation wil be depend upon you………..contact me

Between the Lines:  It is what it is.

i am searching female

Description: hello.  i am muslim 46 male bussiness man i have bussiness in three country saudiarab,oman,and uae. i am searching female 30 to 35 years old any nationalty any religen. i am living in riyadh i am traveling in all gcc country for bussiness . send me details

Between the Lines:  I have tried it all and am tired of paying.  All my years of decadent living have taken their toll.  Now that I am overweight, smoke too much and have a heart condition I need a woman to take care of me.  As soon as I ask my friends how their daughters are doing, they quit taking my calls.

I may have to forward some of these to Jay Leno.  Perhaps he will do a segment on them.

Moment of Twin Truths

"Who pushed the green button?" Outside the Royal Automobile Museum, Amman, Jordan

Good luck seldom comes in pairs but bad things never walk alone.

– Chinese Proverb

Misery Loves Company.

– English Version

Next time don’t listen to your brother.  Ask yourself – is this a good idea?

– Mom’s Version

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