Happy New Year from the Ministry of Traffic

Best Parking Spot At Al Moayyed Tower - On the Front Steps

“I came out of the office and this Bahraini woman had decided to park right at the front door,” Mojo said.  “Best parking spot at the tower.”

See I am not like them.  At least when I park on the sidewalk I do it safely.

I wonder if she’ll have to go to Office 49 to resolve her ticket?

Last week, I returned to the Ministry of Traffic for the third time to clear up the tickets on Mojo’s car.  I went directly to the cashier’s office next to the detention office.  A fresh batch of faces were pasted against the jail’s plexiglass.

I waited as the cashier bundled stacks of twenty dinar bills into eight inch piles and stored them in the safe.  Finally he finished.  The man ahead of me paid his ticket with a 500 Saudi Riyal bill.  Boy did he get the stink eye.

I handed over my slip of paper and twenty dinars.  The cashier typed the number into his computer.

“You paid this already?”

“Maybe” I said. ”My husband said he paid the ticket.”

“Go see Badar,” he said stapling my twenty to the paper.  “Next door.”

I poked my head into the office next door.  “Badar?” I asked.   One man waved his hand.

“The cashier told me to tell you this ticket has been paid.”  Badar passed me over to a third man.  As the third man checked, Badar said to me,

“That is your ticket?”

“Oh no.  I’m a very good driver.  That was my husband’s ticket.”

Badar sucked his teeth.  “Do you know what the fastest speed is in Bahrain?”

I thought he was talking about the speed limit, giving me a little on-the-spot driving test. “120 kilometers?”

“No 250 kilometers.” He looked at me to see whether I was rightly shocked.  I put on my shocked face.

“The Public Prosecutor..we prosecuted him.  And you know what happened to him?”  I shook my head no.  “We put him in jail…” he said staring at me.  “For thirty days.”

He continued giving me the scolding on my husband’s behalf.

“Bahrain is a very small place.  You hit maximum speed and there is a roundabout or a stoplight.  You get there first.  Then I drive up next to you and we wait.  You see, we are the same,” he said holding his index fingers together in front of him. “You do not need speed in Bahrain,” he counseled me.

His friend checking the ticket, nodded in agreement.  “ The ticket was paid,”  he said stamping my paper.  “Go back to Office 49.”

“Thanks for the driving tip” I said.

I knew exactly where I was going.  I marched right past Information, through office 47 and 48,  and straight back to 49.

“Hi, it’s me again.” I waved my ticket triumphantly.  “The computer was wrong.”

Everything was finally squared away.  I could go to the Post Office to finish the registration.  But I thought about my tongue lashing and took a detour to Public Affairs.

Public Affairs had a large office on the second floor.  A man was praying in the middle of the room.  I looked at the four desks.  Two were occupied and both the man and the woman in hijab were talking on the phone.  I stopped at the desk of the fourth man watching a Bollywood movie on the television.  I asked him if he had any spare traffic safety posters.

He told me “One minute.  My boss is praying.”

Within five minutes, the boss finished, jumped up, and carrying his shoes, came over to see what I wanted.   He showed me a couple of posters, and as if I was in the souq, I hemmed and hawed over it.

“One minute,” he told me and left for the storeroom.

I watched the movie.  It was the obligatory dance scene.  The woman was rejecting her paramour as he danced through a throng of chorus girls.  They were tearing off his clothes.  He made it across with room bare-chested.  I missed the end when the men returned with a stack of posters.  I sorted them and assured the boss they would not go to waste.

Obligation is Safety

Tonight when I saw the SUV photo, I remembered the posters.  One will be set aside for the lady driver, but the others are for my twenty loyal readers.

Happy New Year from the General Directorate  of Traffic.

Really Officer. I Wasn’t the One Driving.

Comparison of Speeding Offeces 2010 to 2011

When the Officer at the public prosecutor’s office stopped me at the door and asked me where I was going, I should have known something was up.    A young Bahraini man was peering out from a square window in the door across the room.  His forehead made a greasy spot on the window but he didn’t care.  His eyes were fixed on the guard chatting with his friend.

“Am I in the right place?” I asked the uniformed Officer who was leaving.  “I need to pay this ticket.”

The Officer pointed me towards the cashier.  I walked across the room and peeked in the window.  No one was there.  I sat down to wait.  A Bahraini man wearing a Nike shirt came in and looked toward the cashier.  I said “No one is there.”    He sat down across from me.

In the window, an older Bangladeshi man pushed into view.  He made a motion like he needed to drink and pointed to the guard.  The man in the Nike shirt stood up and in Arabic called over to the guard something to the effect,

“Excuse me, excuse me.  This man he needs to drink.”

The guard looked up and scowled.  He responded angrily in Arabic and waved off the request.  Mr. Nike Shirt sat down quickly and shut his mouth.  I knew I was where no expat woman had gone before: traffic contravention jail.

Was getting a speeding ticket a jail offense?

All my good feelings about car registration deflated.  I felt a twinge of nervousness.  Mojo did not know where I was.   Since he never answered his phone, I decided to text him where I was in the ministry building.

“I am at public prosecutor’s office paying your speeding tickets.  So far they have not locked me up like the 2 guys in the room here.  FYI I am at office on first floor to the right of reception. “

He texted back “Thank you Great Goddess of Compassion and Understanding.”

Now three guys’ foreheads were greasing up the window.  I wondered how long they had been in there.    The Officer came back into the room carrying a white plastic shopping bag.  He set the bag on the desk then walked across the room to open the door.

Eight men came stumbling out.  The Bahraini ran over to the water cooler and began slowly drinking out of the paper cup.  The Bangladeshi man did not even try to get a drink.  The Officer opened the plastic bag and pulled out handcuffs.  He cuffed the men together two at a time.

My hands shaking, I texted back to Mojo.

“If I don’t come home, please come feed me.  The guard is ignoring the men banging on the door.  They just let them out and are handcuffing now for transport.  Still waiting to see my fate.”

Mojo texted back “Tell them you are only accustomed to handcuffs made of diamonds but will accept gold ones if necessary.”

The men walked out and the three of us waiting for the cashier eyed the empty jail room nervously.  It was 1:15pm.

A man in a white thobe with gold cufflinks popped his head out an office door.  “Excuse me,” he said.  “Cashier gone home for today.  You come back tomorrow to pay.”

“I can’t pay today?  Isn’t there someone I can pay?”  I tried to look disappointed to see if that worked.

“No, you come back tomorrow.  Eight o’clock to one o’clock cashier will be here.  You come then.”

“Thank you,” I said walking out.

I texted Mojo “They let me go as jailer only here from 8 to 1.  They told to come back tomorrow for my punishment.”

“I take it you will be sending me tomorrow,” he texted back.

“I am so traumatized I am going for some retail therapy.  I will be at City Center for the next five hours,” I wrote him.

“There is a limit on the Visa card.  I will cancel your AMEX card though.”

“Haha, very funny.  They don’t call me Mrs. Claus for nothing, coal-lover.”

I want to Pimp My Mini Van

Designer Abaya from Saudi Arabia

In a culture where individuality is drowned out in a sea of white thobes and black abayas how does one express their individuality?

To stand out in public, Gulf Arab women carry designer bags and wear oversized sunglasses. In the last few years, abayas are bedazzled with crystals and embroidered with colorful fabrics.

Arab women express their hidden selves under their abayas and only in front of women.

For instance, a Bahraini woman I saw at school covered every day from head to toe in plain black made her appearance at a ladies’ only coffee morning.  She wore a light pink, bustier dress that accentuated her mermaid curves.  Compared to the Westerners’ garden style dresses, she looked ready for New Year’s Eve with her silver heels and diamond chandelier earrings.  When the Bahrain This Month photographer started snapping photos, she covered her face with her hands and ran to throw her abaya over her dress.

Arab men in the Gulf make their public statement by painting their cars a custom color and tinting the windows.

Blue Porsche Cayman with Bahraini Flag

The Lebanese TV station MBC copied MTV’s Pimp My Ride.   In Arabic, the show is named Spoil Your Car.  I watch it because I love seeing what the boys in Riyadh are doing to their cars.  Their creativity inspires me.  I tell Mojo, “Someday, I am going to transform the mini-van with lavender and add silver flames.”

Blue Porsche with Kings

Former Kings on Black SUV

In this time of turmoil what better way to express your loyalty than to adorn your car with your favorite royalty?

If Only I Could Be Like Samantha

Samantha and Darren York on Bewitched 1968

Getting “dressed” is not my favorite thing. If only I could be like Samantha the suburban housewife on Bewitched who snapped her fingers to work her magic.

I know I should be more current and wish to be Alex from Wizards of Waverly Place, but UNICEF ambassador, eco-clothes designer, singer Selena Gomez I am not.  And Justin Bieber could learn from Mojo.

Mojo one of the Rabbits in my life.

My Husband Mojo

I am quite certain that unlike Selena Gomez, I study the clock to figure out what is the last possible minute before I must get ready.

While my mind is distracted trying to create a matching ensemble, like unappreciated children, my makeup likes to gang up on me.

Usually my mascara is the rebel. The later I am, the more likely I sneeze as soon as I apply the mascara; or the wand flips onto my new dress; or I get a dot of black on my finger and smear it on my check; or I jab myself in the eye and I must put in a fresh contact lens and wipe off the black tears dripping down my face.

The other day I was in too much of a hurry to bother with the lighted mirror.  I squinted into my makeup bag, pulled out a pencil and finished applying color to my eyebrows.  The pencil glided over my brows so nicely.  As I surveyed the end result, I thought, My – what dark eyebrows you have my dear.

I zoomed in closer.

My eyebrows were Slate Grey.

My eyeliner and eyebrow pencil have joined in the fun and pulled a “Parent Trap” on me.

Note to Self:  Be thankful you still have eyebrows and eyelashes.  Accept your mortal powers and give yourself an extra 15-minutes to get ready.

Sedusa At Sheik Mohammed’s Camel Farm

Sheik Mohammed's Camel Farm In Janaibiyah

It’s nice when visitors come to town because we take in the local sites.  Inevitably it means more pictures of camels.

Sheik Mohammed was the King’s late Uncle.  Sheik Mohammed maintained the only herd of camels left on the island.  Construction continues as the camels are multiplying.

Famous Medusa Camel

The famous Medusa camel is known to turn adolescent boys into stone.  We did not have a boy with us so did not know whether this was true.

When I visited the farm a few months ago, this guy was one of the camel keepers.

His shirt says "I am still a virgin. Please give me a chance."

My friend and I wondered whether his advertising brought him any success.

A couple weeks later we read a story in our local paper about a man working at the camel farm being arrested for having sex with a pregnant camel and causing her to abort.  The eyewitness claimed it was true and the man was thrown in jail.

When I visited last week I didn’t see the man in the pink shirt.  We think the camels must have been turning him to stone.  Per the manager, there is a camel who is now known as Sedusa.

The Inappropriate Far Side

The Far Side Gallery 3 by Gary Larson

My writer friend Julia Stuart was leaving Bahrain.  She set out bags of used books for my friends and I to browse through.

“Look here’s an old Far Side,” I exclaimed.  “I’m sorry everyone.   I must take this one for my kids.”

Gary Larson may have retired before my kids were born, but his humor did not.  All three giggled as they read it.

On the third evening, my 10-year old son Ace knocked on my bedroom door.  “Come in,” I said.

He was carrying the book and solemnly handed it over to me.

“I don’t think this book is appropriate,” he told me.

“What?  I heard you laughing.  It doesn’t have any bad words.  It is about talking animals and spacemen.”

“That’s what I mean appropriate for girls who like animals, you know – Susan.”  He said referring to his older sister.

“Why isn’t it appropriate for Susan?” I asked completely befuddled.

“You know –  Cows smoking.  Bears with guns.”

My Mojo Floweth Over

Mojo one of the Rabbits in my life.

MOJO

I was really disturbed yesterday to listen to the Yahoo entertainment commentator say nasty things about Cher not being able to cry at Chaz Bono’s dance recital because of her cosmetic surgery.

First, she looks Fan ROCKIN tastic. Second, she is a Diva and if she didn’t look eternally young you would criticize her for that.  Third don’t make fun of my friend.

Yes Cher and I are friends, well – that is – we both know Mojo.

Mojo is my husband.  And there are two reasons I married him.

1 – He remembers everything and acts as my life’s walking encyclopedia.  Sometimes if he gets a little tipsy he reveals too much from the “X” pages where people don’t usually go and I kick him under the table.

2- He has LESS than 6 degrees of separation with everyone.  And that includes Cher.

Everyone else 6 degrees of Separation

Everybody but Mojo

A couple years ago, Mojo walked straight through the First Class Lounge in the Bahrain airport to his favorite quiet corner.  He was a bit irritated to see a slim woman in boots and a cowboy hat and her friend sitting in his spot.  He sat near them and pulled out his laptop.

Within seconds he recognized the voice and turned around and asked.

“What are you doing here?”

It was Cher.  She was returning from a trip to Kathmandu.  Her flight was diverted to Bahrain because the Bangkok airport had been bombed and was closed.

“I am on my way to Germany to see a friend,” she told Mojo.  “But they can’t tell me whether or not I will fly out tonight.  Can you recommend a place to stay if we get stuck here?”

“You are welcome to stay at our house.  My wife would love to host you.  I am going out of town,” he offered pulling out his mobile and dialing the house.  Please Eva pick up he thought.

I heard the phone ringing but it was about midnight.  Who would be calling besides my husband?

“Eva I’m at the airport.  There are some stranded passengers here and I was hoping you could have them stay at the house.”  Before I could protest about all the things I needed to do, he handed the phone over to Cher.

“Hello” was all she said.

“Is this really Cher?” I nearly screamed but restrained myself like any self respecting (Los) Angeleno.

We chatted for about a half an hour.  She told me about trying to sell her house in Malibu, Vegas, Katmandu, vacationing in Santa Barbara and I invited her and her assistant to stay with us.

“Is there anything to do in Bahrain?  Should I try to stay here for a couple of days?”

Cher at Caesars PalaceCher’s name in lights at Caesar’s Palace, Believe, singing Shoop Shoop Shoop in Mermaids, getting an Oscar, Moonstruck, her farewell tour all went through my mind.  I compared those images with the Gulf Hotel ballroom and hesitated two seconds too long before springing into my “Bahrain is so interesting” speech.

Cher promised she would give me a call if she ended up staying.  “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” she promised.   She flew onto Germany that night.

Cher’s new movie Burlesque made over $100 million.  The other day Cher tweeted her Rimpoche arrived from Kathmandu.    And Mojo said she has a great ass.

Thank You.

Besides a two minute video clip on Yahoo every other day, what do you have ugly, chubby man?

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